It’s My Party
I’m a teen, driving in a car with a bunch of others – we’ve been out to a game or a party or something, are now going to my place. We’re all having fun, laughing and enjoying the night. One of the guys in the car is flirting with me – he has been flirting most of the evening, and it makes me feel good.
At my place, there is music, and quite a few kids dancing and talking and having fun. After awhile, i notice my friend isn’t around, i go looking for him. hoping maybe he will show more interest in me. I felt there was a connection there, not just the flirting, but maybe the potential for something more.
I go looking through the house – (it’s the house I was a teen in) – and I open my bedroom door and see shapes in the semi dark – shapes under blankets – four groups of them, two groups on the bed and two on the floor. I know each group is a couple playing around under the blankets, maybe even more than just playing around.
At first I’m embarrassed – hadn’t planned for this kind of activity at my party. But then I feel a bit of outrage – this is my bedroom, for petes sake! I go and start pulling up the blankets, telling the mostly clothed kids under them to head out. As I lift up one of the blankets on the floor, I see the guy who was flirting with me, and he is with a cute blond girl, and they are doing more than just playing, they are “doing it”.
I drop the blanket in surprise and rush out of the room. I feel somehow shamed, as if I were the one caught. I also feel foolish, at having ever believe there might be something between us. I go outside, and let the cool air ease my flushed face. I’m hurt, and angry, and at the same time wondering why i should feel so – after all, he only flirted with me. I had no claim on him, so why should it hurt so much?
He joins me, he has come looking for me, and a part of me is glad, another part mad. He tells me he got carried away with the girl, that he was sorry I had to walk in on that, etc, etc. Blah blah blah, I am only half listening. Then he tells me he felt a connection between us, and he regretted doing anything that could break that connection. I feel drawn to him but at the same time, my mind is telling me it’s all bull.
I won’t look at him. He continues to talk, asking for a chance to show me how he feels. Then he draws me toward him, and gently kisses me on the mouth. With a kind of detached fascination, i feel his lips cool on mine – not just cool, but almost flat, it feels like kissing a pane of glass. I’m more distracted by the strange sensation of it than the kiss itself, and at the same time I feel almost insulted that it’s such a chaste kiss.
I push him away, and suddenly he seems ridiculous to me. I get a flash of him naked and with a tiny penis, and almost laugh out loud. I push him away, tell him to forget it, and walk away.
Well, from flirting, to romantic ideal, to betrayal and disappointment, all the way around to empowerment. Not sure what to make of this one, though it’s interesting that the previous dream of the night ended with Marcel walking alone in the snow in my old neighborhood, and here in this dream I am back in that same neighborhood.
Also interesting that the behavior of the guy I was flirting with, the betrayal, is a kind of early reflection of my sense of betrayal when Marcel cheated, though that was in a marriage, not a flirtation. And the guy in the dream looks nothing like Marcel, but it’s an interesting parallel nonetheless.
Empowerment. Maybe that’s what I need most in my life right now – a sense of empowerment, a feeling that i actually can control what happens in my life, who I see, etc.
Also, I noticed when writing the snippets of thought – at the beginning, I needed flirty guy to make me feel good about myself, in the end, I felt good from within.
Setting: in a car, at my childhood home, my teen bedroom
People: myself as a teen, generic teens, flirty guy
Props: car, bed, blankets
Feelings: flirting, feeling good, having fun, disappointment, hurt, repulsion, empowerment
Snippets of thought: from feeling good in one way, to feeling bad, then feeling good in a better way; under the blanket, “wet blanket”, “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” – old song, a cold fish, from despair to empowerment, feeling good about myself from within.