He has brought a bottle of Scotch with him, and he pours us each a drink. We talk awhile, no phone call. I ask him if he’s sure about the call, he says yes. I tell him if he hasn’t gotten the call by midnight, he must leave. He says he understands. Midnight arrives, and I tell him he has to leave.
He says he doesn’t have his car, will have to take the train. He is hinting, but I tell him no way will I drive him late at night, especially after having had a drink. I also feel a tiny bit of panic – the train is at 12:05, which only gives him 5 minutes to make it. It’s enough, but barely, and no time to argue about it. I send him out.
The perspective shifts to overview, as if I am mentally thinking about the train station, where it is in relation to the apartment. It is our old apartment, the one where the girls were little, the one where we were, for the longest time, happy. I am seeing the route to the train, and somehow I know he’ll be on time. But then what.
I am now seeing his destination – how will he get home from the train station? I “see” the train stopping at the town we first lived in together. The direction is toward where his mom used to live, but then the path he must take is through a neighborhood much like the one I grew up in, and it is snowing. I think of him making this trip on foot, all alone, and I feel suddenly guilty, thinking I could have helped him. At the same time, I know I have nothing to feel guilty about, and resent the feeling. But it remains nonetheless.
I woke from this dream with a jerk. My body was all tightened up, my hands clenched. I had to mentally make myself relax. The overview of him walking in the snow, alone and lost, unsure of his destination, was so powerful, as was my sense of guilt at my impatience with him.
I’m sure the basis of this dream was due to the fact that yesterday evening Marcel showed up at my place at 6:30, expecting a Skype call at 7 pm. No forewarning, just showed up, as usual. I hadn’t eaten yet, and I don’t like to eat when he’s there, I just prefer to be alone with my meal and a DVD. He did pour us a glass of scotch, which I drank on an empty stomach. He did also get the phone call, and it was a conference call that lasted until 8 pm. I wasn’t happy at all. Not angry really, as this is too typical of him to surprise me, just irritated with the inconvenience of it all.
Not sure where the guilt came from, but he is good at making you feel sorry for him. And he did seem so alone. I know he is going through a lot of things, but it’s not my place to be taking care of him, yet I feel bad when I don’t help. Mixed feelings.
One interesting element of the dream, though, is the change of setting, moving toward the past. Starts out here, at the house, then moves to the apartment we had before it, and finally he goes toward the town where we first lived and continues back into my childhood neighborhood. I don’t know if it’s significant, but it’s surely interesting.
Setting: Home, but changing, morphing into past homes, and their corresponding neighborhoods.
People: Myself, theEx
Props: Scotch, train, snow
Feelings: frustration, irritation, guilt, pity
Snippets of thought: another Skype call, feeling intruded upon, midnight, setting a time limit, sending him out into the cold, the snow, theEx all alone, moving into the past